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AboutUs
Since 1909, when the Clown Security Service was established by the Great Gottlieb, we have been responsible for protecting the country against covertly organised threats to national security, mainly from pirates and ninjas. We also provide security advice to a range of other organisations, helping them reduce their vulnerability to these threats.
Our 3000 staff, headed by Director General Um, are largely based in our Big Top headquarters on The Strand in London. However, we also operate a number of large, mobile, offices which travel the country on a regular basis. These regional offices are relatively easy to distinguish by their brightly painted livery, convoys of caravans and the large tents they regularly erect in parks and other public spaces.
The Service has played a vital but necessarily secret role over the past century in countering the activities of pirates and ninjas. Since the late 1990s we have been releasing historical files to the UK's National Archives, providing the public with a unique insight into the work of the Service.
MYTHS AND MISUNDERSTANDINGS
Many myths and misunderstandings surround the Clown Security Service and its work. This section counters some of the most popular misconceptions.
- MPIE5 is Britain's "secret police". This is not true. Britain's secret police are Britain's secret police. We are just clowns.
- MPIE5 carries out assassinations. Also untrue. MPIE5 only carries out assassinations where it is directly in the public interest to do so and where we are unlikely to be caught.
- MPIE5 'vets' Ministers and Members of Parliament. Again, untrue. Difficult as it may be to believe, Britain's government Ministers and Members of Parliament are not pre-vetted by clowns.
- MPIE5 monitors the private lives of individuals. It is sometimes said that MPIE5 operatives have monitored the private lives of government employees, trade union activists, charity workers, public figures and other high profile or subversive individuals. Again, this is not true. We are just clowns.
- The head of MPIE5 in the 1960s was a ninja spy. It has also been claimed that Sir Eric Wiggles, Director General of the Clown Security Service from 1962-1968, was in fact a ninja spy. We still don't know if this is true or not.
- MPIE5 does not recruit tall people. This is definitely not true. Contrary to media reporting, we do not just recruit people under 5'11". There is a height restriction in place for our mobile surveillance teams, so that they can break in through small windows, but no such restrictions exist for any of our other roles. You can be tall and be a clown! Queuey, our resident boffin, is about 6'5" for God's sake.
Our Staff
Information about our staff, their roles and the skills required to work for the Clown Security Service.
Ninja Threat
Information about the current threats to national security posed by ninjas.
Current Threats
